


The Lolmarillion

by CrystalNavy



Series: The Lolmarillion [1]
Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-16
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-03-06 12:54:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 6,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18851479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrystalNavy/pseuds/CrystalNavy
Summary: Behold the Silmarillion unlike anything you've ever read before. Throw your rational thought out of the window.





	1. Melkor the Rebel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Melkor just wanted to impress his girl all along.

Melkor was lonely. 

Everyone was paired up with someone or another. Really, the only girl who wasn't paired up was Nienna. So Melkor hatched up a plan to impress her.

He played music. Music so awesome that it drowned out everything else.

His so-called brothers and sisters were displeased, but Melkor didn't care. 

He wanted to impress Nienna and that was final.

Eru turned out to be unimpressed too.

And he said unto Melkor:

\- Thou can't simply use my concert hall to impress thy girl.

And Melkor said to him:

-Fuck thou, Old Man, I can do what I want.

And Eru shook his head, and spoke:

\- Thou will find out that any design thou thinketh of will be made better by me, and shall be included in the finished product.

And Melkor gazed in wonderment upon Eru, who held in his hands the flame of creation.

And he began to desire the flame, and the power of creation, for he held in his heart the belief that if he had the power to create worlds, he would create one he could live in with Nienna, and she would finally accept his love.

But Eru rejected him, and said:

-The flame and the power of creation are mine and mine alone.

And Melkor pouted, and he left the choir.

He decided that if he couldn't create the new world, he would conquer the one already created. He would destroy every other living thing and he would live with Nienna in Arda, and it would be their summer home.

His heart was set.


	2. The Importance of Descriptions (and Valar)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter describes the seven Gods and seven Goddesses. Melkor is not counted, for some reason.....

Fourteen people decided to live in Arda and maintain it, while waiting for alleged Children of Eru.

Manwe, their leader, has his head in the clouds, literally. His servants (and pets) are eagles, who show up too late to really be of help. Just ask Fingolfin, Fingon, Hurin, and I will stop there, for the list of people who can corroborate this claim is endless.

Varda, his wife, is important to Elves, who worship her above every other god, including her husband.

Namo is a goth, who has a thing for Feanor. And I do mean it. He proclaimed doom over the guy and his entire house just so he can keep him all to himself. He even said so. "To me shall Feanor come soon." His words, not mine. Real subtle there, bro. Real subtle. 

Vaire is his wife, though they live separately. Possibly because he has deep feelings for someone else and married her to hide it, because being gay was frowned upon in these times.

Aule is a master smith, who has the worst luck in Arda. I mean, he took on three apprentices: Mairon, Feanor, and finally Curumo. And all three of them turned to evil. Not to mention that he and his wife are the first example of spousal arguments, because she disapproves of his creations.

Yavanna, Aule's wife, is a living proof that opposites attract. Oh, and she is a tree-hugger.

Ulmo, is master of the Ocean, who has deep love for all children. He has no spouse either. Either he fancies Nienna also, or he is gay too.

Irmo, Namo's bro, heals people. He does a stellar job of that, except when it really matters.

Este, his wife, helps with the healing.

Orome is the hunter, and the one who first discovered the Elves. His apprentice was Celegorm, to whom he gave a dog that would go on to play an important part in the story later.

Vana, the ever-young, is Yavanna's sister and Orome's wife.

Tulkas is the Macho figure of the Gods. He has a childish personality and refuses to listen to other Valar. Rumor has it that he will be the one to back up Turin during the final battle. Not suprising, considering how alike the two of them really are. 

Nessa the dancer is his wife and Orome's sister. These family relationships are so complicated.

Nienna, Namo and Irmo's younger sister, and Melkor's main love interest. He did everything he did in a bid to impress her. Though this doesn't stop him from indulging in wacky hijinks with Mairon, Maedhros, Hurin and Maeglin (to be fair, he might have done this in order to make her jealous). She is deeply upset that he would go that far.

Melkor, the enemy No.1. He was called Morgoth by Feanor, and that name kinda stuck. But really, the poor guy was just misunderstood. He just wanted Nienna to love him.

In conclusion, the Valar practiced incest, yet when Turin, Niniel, Maeglin and Phary did the same thing, it was treated as something unforgivable? Not cool, Valar. Not cool at all.


	3. Maiar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The lesser Gods.

We start with Melian, for she is the most important for the story as a whole. She married an Elf, and from this union sprang one half of the most celebrated duo in the history of the world. Some important people are descended from her and her husband.

The second most important figure is Olorin, who has many names. He plays an important role somewhere down the line, but this story hasn't reached that point yet, and won't for a long time.

Curumo is not important at this time.

Mairon, also known as Sauron, is Melkor's partner, and will eventually succeed him as the main bad guy. 

And that's it for the Maiar. The others do nothing, really they don't.


	4. The Ballad of Copycats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of five copycats.

Aule heard the story of how Eru's Children would arrive at some point, and he wanted to make his own children. So he created the Dwarves, short and hairy people. Because he liked them that way, short and hairy. And Eru appeared before him, and chastised him. And Aule raised his hammer to destroy his own children. But Eru understood his motives, and gave life to Dwarves, who recoiled upon seeing the hammer. And Eru told the obvious to Aule. 

But Yavanna was displeased, for she feared that Aule's children would cut down her precious trees, so she relayed her concerns to Manwe, who in turn relayed them to Eru. Who created the Ents, because they were in his song, apparently. Manwe was given Eagles as a gift from Eru. And Yavanna gloated to her husband about this, but he merely shrugged it off and resumed his work.

Later on, Vana, Nessa and Este came together.

And Este said:

\- Eru has Elves and Men, Aule has Dwarves, Manwe has Eagles, and Yavanna has Ents. Why don't we create our own people too?

And Vana said:

\- What should their appearance and traits be like?

And Este said:

\- They should be short, and they should be merry folks, who will take pleasure in simple things.

And Nessa said:

\- And they should have hair on their feet.

Vana and Este were puzzled.

Vana asked:

\- Why?

Nessa replied:

\- Because it helps with dancing.

And that's how Hobbits first came to be.


	5. The Genius

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The life of the genius.

**Narrator** : When the Elves awoke, they were given three ambassadors to represent and lead them. Of those three, two were important. Finwe and Elwe were their names, and they both became Kings of their respective people. Finwe had a beautiful wife. She died in childbirth, and yet the pay-off was more than worth it, for she gave birth to a future genius. He was aptly named Feanor, for he was a bright kid, in more than one sense of the word. And like all geniuses, he was partially insane. He was obstinate and haughty, and he had a chip on his shoulder concerning the fact that his father took a second wife, for he believed this disrespected his late mother.

**Feanor** : Why did you re-marry, father? Why?

**Finwe** : I wanted more kids.....

**Feanor** : I should have been enough!

**Narrator** : And Feanor stomped his little feet and sought to occupy himself elsewhere in order to forget. During his wanderings, he met Nerdanel, daughter of Mahtan, who was his equal in many things..... 

**Nerdanel** : You seem troubled.

**Feanor** Leave me alone......

**Nerdanel** : I can't, not when you're in that state. My parents always taught me to help those in need, so you're coming with me, whether you'd like it or not.

**Feanor** : You are as headstrong as I am. I think I just might fall for you.

**Narrator** : And Feanor sought the blessing of both Nerdanel's parents and his own to marry her, and he received it. And she gave him seven sons, though Feanor often wondered how the heck did she manage that when the only other woman he loved only managed give birth to one before she withered away. Still, Feanor was not satisfied, at least not completely, and he turned back to his work. He put all of his talents and skills to the test and created three jewels, known as the Silmarils. The Valar were obviously taken in with them, for Varda hallowed them so that nothing evil could touch him without suffering for it. 

**Mandos** : The fate of the earth and the sea and the sky shall be tied to these three jewels!

**Manwe** : Come on, bro. I know you have a crush on their maker, but must you?

**Mandos** : Says you, when your wife hallowed them. 

**Manwe** : Point.

**Narrator** : But there was one person who desired the Silmarili. It was none other than Melkor, who decided to find a way to steal them so he could present them to Nienna as a token of his appreciation. Girls loved pretty jewelry, after all. So he hatched a plan to do so.

**Melkor** : Hey, Feanor, your brothers are planning to usurp your birthright.

**Feanor** : What?

**Narrator** : Meanwhile...

**Mairon** : Your half-brother has your father's ear and is planning to drive both of you out of Tirion!

**Fingolfin** : What?

-x-

**Fingolfin** : Feanor is getting out of hand, father. Please, control him. I'll help you do it.

**Feanor** : So your true intentions finally come to light, brother. You wish to supplant me. Well, you know the saying: if you play with fire, you will get burned. Now go away or else.

**Fingolfin** : I shall take my leave then. But think about what I said, father.

**Feanor** : You shall rue the day you dared to cross me!

**Narrator** : And Feanor drew his sword and placed it upon his brother's throat, injuring him. The Valar were most displeased at this turn of events.

**Eonwe** : Come straight to Mahanaxar. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.

**Feanor** : Bummer....

**Narrator** : And the Valar couldn't let this slide, and so they forbade their resident genius from setting foot in Tirion for twelve Valinorean years, which are much longer than solar years, at which point he'd be pardoned if someone vouches for him. Fingolfin steps forward and vouches for him. And his father followed him, and together they pulled their resources and made the great city of Formenos. And Melkor visited Feanor there.

**Melkor** : Why are you satisfied with this when you can be so much more? The outer lands are ours for the taking. I shall help you and your people get there, and we shall be the joint rulers of Endore!

**Feanor** : I do wish to rule lands of my own, but.....you plan to defy Valar on this?

**Melkor** : Yes, for I too know what it's like to be their thrall.....to be at their mercy. Oh, and they are hoping to have the Silmarils all to themselves. They won't be safe in any of the strongholds in Aman, no matter how well-guarded.

**Feanor** : You desire my creations, don't you? Go away!

**Narrator** : And he slammed the door into Melkor's face, literally. And Melkor was enraged and he became even more determined to destroy the genius Elf.


	6. The Beginning of an End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Melkor has a bone to pick with certain individuals. He gets a dubious ally to help him out. Feanor is beyond angry and no words can express how angry he is.

**Ungoliant** : So why exactly did you seek me out, Dark Heart?

**Melkor** : I want you to help me get my revenge. Should this succeed, you'll have plenty of stuff to devour.

**Ungoliant** : And where do you plan to get this stuff?

**Melkor** : Formenos.

**Ungoliant** : Do you have a plan for this?

**Melkor** : First, I'll kill the Two Trees to let everyone know I mean business. You can devour their life force afterwards. Then I'll kill Feanor's dad and take his Silmarils. That'll show him!

**Ungoliant** : Impressive. I am in.

-x-

**Fingolfin** : What's going on? Why is it so dark all of a sudden?

 **Manwe** : Calm down, we're getting this sorted.

**Yavanna** : Well, I have good news and bad news, everyone. Which do you want to hear first?

**Manwe** : Tell us the bad news first.

**Yavanna** : The bad news is that the Trees are dying. The good news is that they can yet be saved.

**Manwe** : How?

**Yavanna** : It seems that our genius has foreseen this moment and acted accordingly. With his help, and with his consent, I can save my own creations. Will you help me, Feanor?

**Feanor** : You are basically asking me to kill myself, for these are tied to my heart, completely. So my answer is: hell no.

**Tulkas** : Why, you insolent whelp. If it weren't for Yavanna's own power, you would never have had a chance to make them!

**Manwe** : No, Tulkas, none of that.

**Eonwe** : My King, I bring grave news from Formenos. Finwe has been slain. The Silmarils have been taken!

**Melkor** : Indeed so, and now I present them to you, fair Nienna, in exchange for your hand.

**Nienna** : Melkor......

**Melkor** : Yes?

**Nienna** : Eff off.

**Feanor** : Melkor? Nay, for he is now Morgoth, the Dark Enemy of the World, and he will be known by this name thereafter. Noble Elves, I beseech thee, follow me to Endore, where you may command great realms of our own!

**Galadriel** : I wanna!

**Finrod** : How much of these words are your own, and how much are Melkor's?

**Feanor** : Didn't I just say he will be called Morgoth from now on?

**Narrator** : The opinions of the Noldor were divided. Some would follow Feanor, including his children. Most would follow Fingolfin, who in turn, followed Feanor. They went forth to Alqualonde and asked Olwe nicely to lend them their ships, so that they may reach Endore.

**Olwe** : I cannot give them to you, for they're as dear to us as Silmarils are to you.

**Feanor** : You wish to keep us from our goal? I would rethink your words if I were you, Olwe.

**Olwe** : But this is crazy!

**Feanor** : Crazy? Nay, because for the first time in my life, I see things with perfect clarity, and I know what must be done. My people, we're taking the ships by force!


	7. Endore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They reach Endore, and someone dies.

**Narrator** : And the blood dyed the waters of Alqualonde crimson, and the ships were taken, and the Valar proclaimed that those of the Noldor who arrive at Endore will be subjected to brutal deaths and that the House of Feanor will lose their power and will be called Dispossessed. Finarfin and his people turned back, and his children decided to stick with Fingolfin, who chose to go forward.

**Maedhros** : Father, there is not enough for all of us.....What shall we do?

**Feanor** : I have a plan for that. 

**Narrator** : And Feanor had his sons and those loyal to him steal the ships, and they sailed to Endore in the middle of the night, and they successfully arrived to the Endorian shore.

**Maedhros** : Who should we send back to bring the remainder of the Noldorin host? 

**Feanor** : No one! My brother chose to follow me of his own free will, the sucker. Now he and his people shall be stranded. Either they will perish or go back to the Valar in eternal shame!

**Narrator** : And Feanor torched the ships, and the flame rose high, and was seen by those left behind. 

**Fingolfin** : I wish to see him again for a little chat. We're crossing the Helcaraxe. 

**Narrator** : But Fingolfin and his people weren't the only ones who saw the flames, and Morgoth's army was upon Feanor and his people in an instant, seeking to drive them back into the Sea. But Feanor and his army prevailed.

**Maedhros** : Father, they're retreating. We've won!

**Feanor** : Why, this is just perfect! I shall take advantage of this and reclaim what is mine!

**Maedhros** : Father, no!

**Celegorm** : Father yes.

**Narrator** : And Feanor went after the retreating army, alone, intending to assail Angband itself. But two of the Balrogs turned around, intending to fight him head-on, so that the rest of the army may retreat to Angband safely.

**Feanor** : You.....but why?

**Gothmog** : It's called a defense line. I am sure you've heard of it.

**Feanor** : Then fight me!

**Narrator** : And Feanor fought both Balrogs at once, and they inflicted several major wounds on him. Then Gothmog stabbed him. With the sword. Into the heart.

**Gothmog** : Seriously, you're an idiot. You chased us, alone, when you could have had an easy victory and lived to see another sunrise.

-x-

**Maedhros** : Father, we're here.

 **Feanor** : My sons, fulfill our promise......Reclaim your birthright.....Tell my wife.......I love her......

**Maedhros** : Father.......

**Feanor** : Father, mother......I am coming.....

**Narrator** : And Feanor died, and his body was incinerated by the fire of his spirit, and became ash. 

**Maedhros** : We were too late, it seems. The only thing we can do is bury him. Except that there is nothing to bury.

**Celegorm** : We can still avenge his death. The forces of Angband shall quiver in fear for as long as we're here!


	8. Double Deception

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maedhros and Morgoth attempt to outwit one another. It ends badly. Very badly.

**Celegorm** : Morgoth wants to negotiate with us. He's even willing to surrender one of the Silmarils if we left him alone afterwards.

**Maglor** : Why do I sense a 'but' there?

**Celegorm** : He wants us to send one person we believe can represent us well for these negotiations.

**Maedhros** : I'll go. 

**Maglor** : I hate to be that guy, but I will be. Are we sure we can trust him? That he won't try to double-cross us?

**Maedhros** : Oh, he most definitely will. That's why I am not going alone. I'll take some sturdy, strong and fearless folk with me. That way, we just might gain an upper hand.

**Narrator** : Later.....

**Messenger** : So, you are Maedhros, son of Feanor, right?

**Maedhros** : Indeed so.

**Messenger** : In that case, I present your birthright to you, as a token of our willingness to uphold these terms.

**Maedhros** : Really?

**Messenger** : No. Attack!

**Maedhros** : Why didn't I see that one coming?

**Narrator** : And every single person in Maedhros' army was slain, with one exception......

**Maedhros** : Well, this could be worse.....Oh, who am I kidding, this is worse.

**Orc Chieftain** : Haha, sucker!

-x-

**Celegorm** : Morgoth sent another messenger. He wants us to back off, or he'll unleash unspeakable horrors upon our brother!

**Maglor** : What shall we do?

**Celegorm** : We do nothing.

**Maglor** : You can't be serious!

**Celegorm** : I am being realistic. We can't win, and it's pointless to try.

**Maglor** : So we'll just abandon him when he needs us the most?

**Celegorm** : Yes. It hurts, I know, but we don't have a choice.

-x-

**Morgoth** : Seems that they've abandoned you.

 **Maedhros** : I hate my life.

**Morgoth** : Oh, don't worry, I know just the thing. Lieutenant!

**Orc Lieutenant** : Yes?

**Morgoth** : Escort our guest to his new accommodations.

**Orc Lieutenant** : With pleasure.

**Narrator** : And Maedhros was hung from the cliffs of Thangorodrim by his right hand.

**Maedhros** : So this is Morgoth's idea of humor......Not only will my arm suffer from the strain, but I'll be the butt of jokes for all eternity. Damn you, Morgoth. Damn you to Hell.


	9. The Quest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fingolfin and his group arrive to Endore. Fingon goes on a solo quest.

**Fingolfin** : We finally made it. Now, this looks like a nice place, so we'll settle here.

**Fingon** : Sounds like a nice idea, father. 

**Fingolfin** : But where is Feanor?

**Fingon** : I think we're about to find out. I've sent a scout ahead to find out more about this two hours ago.

**Scout** : I found Feanor's sons, but he himself is no longer with us.

**Fingon** : Any other news?

**Narrator** : The scout whispered few things into Fingon's ear, and his eyes went wide.

**Fingon** : It cannot be true. It cannot.

**Scout** : It is.

**Fingon** : Father, I am going for a walk. 

**Fingolfin** : Okay.

-x-

**Fingon** : There it is, the high cliff of Thangorodrim. I'm gonna scout ahead.

 **Narrator** : And he sang a song he knew from old days, and another voice joined his, forming the first duet in history of Arda.

**Fingon** : I finally found you!

**Maedhros** : I wish you hadn't. Now kill me. Put me out of my misery.

**Fingon** : No can do. Just hang in there, I am coming.

**Maedhros** : Must you phrase it like that?

**Narrator** : Later.......

**Fingon** : I can't find any way to get closer.....

**Maedhros** : Again, just kill me, I beg of you.

**Fingon** : Manwe, help me!

**Thorondor** : Oh yes.

**Narrator** : And Thorondor carried Fingon up his back, and they reached the place easily, and Fingon inspected the iron clasp.

**Fingon** : It's too strong for me to cut. What shall I do? Oh, I know!

**Maedhros** : What do you have in mind?

**Fingon** : Let's just say this will hurt me more than it will hurt you.

**Maedhros** : What do you m.....Owie!

**Fingon** : Now that it's taken care of, let's go home.


	10. Dysfunctional People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Dysfunctional people. Covers events up until the chapter 17. You have been warned.

**Elwe** : Where is everyone?

**Mysterious voice** : That depends on what you're looking for. There are some things that cannot be seen or heard.

**Elwe** : And what does that mean?

**Mysterious voice** : It means that you've gotten lost.

**Elwe** : Oh. And who are you?

**Mysterious voice** : I am a demi-god, but you can call me Melian.

**Elwe** : Sounds pretty. What have you been doing out here, Melian?

**Melian** : Embracing my hippie side as a certified tree hugger by the leave of Yavanna, who is my mentor.

**Elwe** : How cool. I kinda want to stay with you. Let's create a realm together, and we'll call it Doriath.

**Melian** : Sounds neat, I am in.

**Narrator** : Later......

**Luthien** : Fathew......

**Thingol** : Isn't she adorable?

**Melian** : She'll eventually fall in love.

**Thingol** : She will not be allowed to until she is over 200 years old, and until then, I will kill every man who so much as looks at her.

**Eol** : Hi, kinsman. Might I go and live in that forest where you met your wife for the first time? It might help me with my own.....troubles.

**Thingol** : Do I know you?

**Eol** : I am a distant relative of yours on my mother's side.

**Thingol** : What about your father?

**Eol** : Well......

**Narrator** 250 years ago.....

**Morgoth** : So for your loyalty here, I present you a Telerin maid. You shall rape her, and from this, Turgon's bane will come into the world.

**Orc Captain** : You mean our child?

**Morgoth** : No, I meant your grandchild, silly.

**Orc Captain** : Sweet.

**Narrator** : Present time......

**Eol** : So about my request......

**Thingol** : Yeah, you may dwell there, but you must give up one of your possessions to me, to keep as payment.

**Eol** : All right. Here's Anglachel. It shall be wielded by the first child you'll adopt. Toodles.

**Thingol** : What did he mean by that?

-x-

**Aegnor** : This place is cozy.

 **Angrod** : Careful, brother, for overindulgence is a vice.

**Galadriel** : True enough.

**Thingol** : Welcome to my humble abode, kinsmen and kinswomen.

**Melian** : Want to discuss more about those healing herbs and their application, Alatariel?

**Galadriel** : Sure. I just wish I could have learned this stuff earlier. Then I could have cured Feanor's megalomania.

**Finrod** : Sister!

**Galadriel** : What? It's true. He would have fared better if he had listened to aunt Nerdanel. Speaking of which, why don't you have a wife?

**Finrod** : Uh, because......none of my prospective children would inherit any title or any realm of mine.....

**Galadriel** : So you say, but it's really because of Amarie, isn't it?

**Finrod** : You know me too well, sister.

-x-

**Thingol** : Quenya is now banned as an official language. Noldor in general are banned from entering my Kingdom. You are an exception, not the rule.

 **Finrod** : We're sorry......

**Thingol** : Sorry won't bring your mother's people, our people, back!

**Finrod** : I know......

**Aegnor** : In my opinion, only the descendants of Feanor should be banned. Uncle Fingolfin and his descendants should be allowed to enter and leave freely.

**Thingol** : My decision is final.

-x-

**Narrator** : And Finrod and Turgon had weird dreams, which inspired them to build Nargothrond and Gondolin, respectively. Their people - at least those who were willing - went with them. But Finrod was restless, and he wandered around a lot, and in his wanderings he came across new kind of people.

 **Finrod** : My, how interesting.....

**Balan** : My Lord, we are most honored. We have been looking for you. We were told you could give us guidance.

**Finrod** : You have?

**Balan** : Yes, my Lord.

**Narrator** : And so Finrod stayed with them, and he sung songs to them, and he taught them many things.

**Finrod** : I will need to return to my own people now.

**Beor** : Then take me with you, and I shall enter your service, and I shall stay with you. I pass the leadership to my son, Baran.

**Finrod** : So be it.

-x-

**Narrator** : Now we move away from Finrod and focus on chapter solely dedicated to my number one favorite character.

 **Turgon** : Okay, you may go, but you will go under guard and you will travel exactly to the place I've predetermined, and no further.

**Aredhel** : Fuck you, I do what I want! Now take me to Celegorm and Curufin's place!

**Narrator** : And so they did, but Celegorm and Curufin weren't there, the assholes. I should probably thank them, though, because if they were, Maeglin wouldn't have been born.

**Aredhel** : I am going on an adventure, again.

**Eol** : Oh, thank god, an end to my sad, lonely existence!

**Narrator** : And so they had a son, and they called him Maeglin, and for a while, everything was fine. Then Maeglin and his dad started arguing. And Maeglin eventually got fed up and fled to Gondolin with his mother, and Eol followed them.

**Curufin** : What are you doing here?

**Eol** : I am chasing after my wife and son.

**Curufin** : You're a crazy asshole, like me. I sympathize. Therefore, I give you a honest advice: turn back if you want to live.

**Narrator** : But Eol didn't listen, he just kept on Eol-ing, and was taken to Gondolin, and Turgon offered him the choice of staying in the city or die. And Eol opted to perform a murder-suicide ritual, with his son as an unwilling partner. And Aredhel did what any sane parent would do, she took the blow for her child. And Eol was thrown from the cliff, but not before cursing his progeny.

**Eol** : Your dreams will amount to nothing, and then you'll die! This curse will be on you forever!

**Narrator** : And Maeglin became an orphan.


	11. The Cliche And Generic Love Story (Part 1: The Elf who died for me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is advertised as the Greatest Tale in the Silmarillion, but personally, I prefer Maeglin and Turin's stories over this drivel any day. It's so predictable.

**Sauron** : Hey, there, I raped your woman and I enjoyed it.

**Gorlim** : .......

**Sauron** : Seriously, though, if you want her back, just tell me what I need to know.

**Gorlim** : .....Fine. You can find them in those hills over there.

**Sauron** : Perfect. Now you shall have your reward, as promised. 

**Narrator** : And Sauron killed him, because that's what Sauron does. But that's not important. What is important is what happens next.

**Sauron** : Now, men, or Orcs, or whatever you are, attack!

**Barahir** : Somehow I didn't see that coming......Oh wait, I did. So long, suckers, you'll die too soon enough!

**Sauron** : Maybe, but you will not live long enough to see it come to pass.

**Narrator** : And Barahir and his company were slaughtered.....all except one.....who'll end up just like Maedhros.......without a hand.

**Beren** : Seriously, does this Tolkien have a fetish for one-handed people? 

**Narrator** : My thoughts exactly, Beren. My thoughts exactly.....The good news is that you'd get to be a hero.

-x-

**Beren** : Hi, my name is Beren Barahirion. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

**Narrator** : And die they did, for he killed them where they slept. Then he wandered into the woods and eventually made his way into the Guarded Realm. There, he met the love of his life, who fell in love with him too. Thingol heard of it and wasn't pleased.

**Thingol** : What are you doing here, mortal?

**Beren** : Well, the other day I caught ducks in the pond. Then today, I shot down some deer. With my bow. Then I carved out their internal organs, cooked them and ate them. Duck meat was delicious, but venison was even better.

**Thingol** : You dare speak to me that way?

**Beren** : Well, my Sindarin is not very good, but there is no need to get so angry. Anyway, I want to marry your daughter.

**Thingol** : Sure, and I want to swim across Belegaer, and write a book titled 'How not to be a moron'.

**Beren** : No need to be so rude.

**Thingol** : Bring me a Silmaril from Morgoth's crown. Then you can marry my daughter.

**Beren** : Sure. Be back in a jiffy.

-x-

**Beren** : I am in need of your aid.

 **Finrod** : So shall it be. Let's go!

**Narrator** : And off they went, and they were spotted by Sauron, who wasted no time in capturing them. There, Finrod and Sauron challenged each other to a duel of singing extremely annoying songs. Finrod lost, and Sauron tossed him and his companions into the dungeon, where they were all killed, except one.

**Finrod** : Goodbye, Beren. I am going to my father.......

**Beren** : Goddammit, why I am always the only one who survives?

**Narrator** : If it helps, you'll be the only one who dies, soon enough.


	12. The Cliche And Generic Love Story (Part 2: The Happy Ending)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beren and Luthien complete their task. They retire, and are never heard from again.

**Celegorm** : You seem lost.

**Luthien** : I am searching for Beren.

**Celegorm** : Come with us to Nargothrond. I am sure we can find some means of seeking out the news about him. Besides, the wilderness is no place for someone like you.

**Curufin** : My brother speaks the truth. 

**Luthien** : All right, but if you deceive me, I'll be going out on my own.

**Celegorm** : Now, what reason could we possibly have to deceive you, my lady?

-x-

**Huan** : They have been deceiving you.

 **Luthien** : I knew it! But are you really all right with turning against your master?

**Huan** : Oh yes. You and Beren have been nothing but nice to me during your time here. I will go along with you wherever you might wish me to go. I'll even let you ride me, if you feel so inclined. Oh, and I brought you your cloak.

**Luthien** : Then let us ride, and find them!

**Narrator** : And so they did, and they found Sauron's fortress.

**Sauron** : It seems that we have a guest, and it's none other than Melian's daughter. My Master will reward me greatly if I capture her and bring her to him. Gilrath, lead your pack against her. Come out one by one.

**Gilrath** : Yes, Sauron.

**Narrator** : But Gilrath and his pack never came back.

**Sauron** : Draugluin, you're up.

**Narrator** : And Draugluin didn't come back either.

**Sauron** : Well, if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. I'll get her.

**Narrator** : And Sauron stepped out onto the bridge, intending to finish the job himself.

**Sauron** : Surrender to my might, daughter of Melian.

**Luthien** : You wish. 

**Narrator** : And Huan beat Sauron and Sauron relinquished his hold over his fortress, and fled into the darkness like a phantom.

**Luthien** : Well, that was anticlimactic. Now to find Beren.......

-x-

**Celegorm** : She is messing with the wrong Elf.

 **Curufin** : That she is. Look, there she is, together with her so-called boyfriend. I say we show them what happens when they mess with us.

**Narrator** : And Celegorm turned his horse around, intending to trample Beren, while Curufin grabbed Luthien by the middle and lifted her onto his horse. And Beren leapt onto the horse, knocking both Curufin and Luthien off, and he started choking Curufin.

**Curufin** : Where did all of that strength come from?

**Beren** : Nobody who harms my girl in any capacity lives to tell the tale.

**Narrator** : But Luthien talked Beren down. Curufin, however, fired two arrows at Luthien, and one of them struck Beren instead. But Huan drove the brothers off, and helped Luthien heal Beren's wound. Then they ventured into the borders of Doriath, where Beren entrusted Luthien to Huan, intending to continue his journey alone. However, Huan and Luthien pursued him, and Beren finally agreed to bring them along. And Huan brought them disguises so they could infiltrate Angband easier. And so, thanks to this and Luthien's enchantments, they successfully managed to depart with one of the Silmarils. But before they could bring it back to Thingol, Carcharoth devoured it.

-x-

**Beren** : I've done it. I have the Silmaril in my hand.

 **Thingol** : Let's see it then.

**Beren** : But my hand is missing.

**Thingol** : I see. Then, I shall give you my blessing. 

**Narrator** : And so Thingol unified Beren and Luthien's hands in marriage, sanctioning it in the eyes of the Gods.

**Mablung** : My King, I have grave news. Carcharoth has breached the Girdle! He has the power of the Silmaril on his side!

**Thingol** : Then we must kill him before he causes any further harm. Mablung and Beleg shall come with me.

**Beren** : I ask that I be allowed to participate. Allow me to complete the task you gave me. Huan too.

**Thingol** : Very well. Both of you may come with us.

-x-

**Luthien** : What happened?

 **Thingol** : I am afraid Beren has perished.

**Luthien** : Then I shall go to him.

-x-

**Luthien** : Good news, father. We've returned!

 **Beren** : Sure feels nice to be able to breathe fresh air again.

**Luthien** : What do we now?

**Beren** : We will live in peace from now on.

**Luthien** : Great idea. I know just the place.

**Narrator** : And so Beren and Luthien retired to an island, and were never seen again, except once. And that's how this tale came to an end.


	13. A Series of Unfortunate Events (Part 1: The Man who annoyed me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or how Morgoth threw a temper tantrum because someone dared to annoy and make fun of him, and cursed a bunch of people out of spite.

**Hurin** : Dang, a pretty nice place you have here. I am sure it would attract millions of people in Beleriand. They will get to see your fortress for a price.

**Morgoth** : Are you being sarcastic or obtuse?

**Hurin** : I can be your real estate agent, Morgy.

**Morgoth** : Don't call me that!

**Hurin** : Your wish is my command, Murtagh.

**Morgoth** : That doesn't sound like my name at all. Not even remotely.

**Hurin** : Oh, I am sorry. I could call you Morgol-Gorgol if you wish.

**Morgoth** : No!

**Hurin** : Morgan? Mordred? Morrid?

**Morgoth** : FOR THE LAST TIME, NO!

**Hurin** : Morby?

**Morgoth** : That's it, you and your entire family will be cursed, and they will fall to ruin and everything they attempt will end in tears!

**Hurin** : Sounds like what happened to Baudelaire kids in A Series of Unfortunate Events. Except that they prevailed in the end, as will we.

**Morgoth** : But they sure suffered along the way, as will you!

**Hurin** : Whatever floats your boat. Would you like me to make you dinner, Morky? I am quite proficient in preparing steak......

**Morgoth** : I am chaining you to a chair.

**Hurin** : Do you like music? I can sing you a song.

**Morgoth** : You just have to have the last word, don't you?

**Hurin** : Of course. It's what I do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Semper: I will switch from updating Lolmarillion and my other works once per day rather than twice per day until my finals are over


	14. A Series of Unfortunate Events (Part 2: He of many names)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Several characters die in this segment.

Narrator: Now, in the past, before Hurin was imprisoned, he and his wife - Morwen - lived in Dor Lomin. They have two kid, a boy and a girl. The boy is called Turin, and his sister is called Lalaith, and her birth name is Urwen. They were inseparable, until disaster struck. Lalaith passed away, while Turin survived. Then they only had one kid.

**DEATH COUNT: 1**

-x-

Narrator: Turin often talked about this and many other things with Sador, his best friend, who sympathized. Then Turin's birthday rolled around. Hurin gifted him an Elvish knife.

**Hurin** : You'd better use in carefully, or it will cut you.

**Turin** : I know just what to do with this.

**Narrator** : And he re-gifted the knife to his friend, who accepted it graciously. Soon after, Hurin had to go and never came back.

**Morwen** : You're going to live with my grandfather's brother's son's wife's father.

**Turin** : Cool. When do we leave?

**Morwen** : I am not going. You need to go for your own safety, but I am staying right here. You will be accompanied by men in my service, and they will see to it that you get there safely.

-x-

**Narrator** : It's winter in Doriath, and there are few animals and people roaming about. Among them is Beleg, who is proficient in archery. Spoiler alert: he dies. finds Turin and his two companions, and brings them to Doriath, where Thingol adopts Turin.

**Eol's ghost** : In your face, mother's cousin thrice removed.

**Thingol** : Not now, Eol. 

**Eol's ghost** : .....Fine.

**Thngol** : Now then, you're my son in all but blood, and you shall live here in peace.

**Morgoth** : Not if I have anything to say about it, which I do. 

**Thingol** : How are you even seeing what's happening here?

**Morgoth** : All-seeing God, remember? A power I happened to share with Hurin.

**Hurin** : That's right. Morpy and I can see everything, and that's no exaggeration. The world is looking spiffy.

**Eol's ghost** : Now both of our children are cursed, eh, Thingol?

**Thingol** : Mine _biological_ child is not.

**Morgoth** : And actually, Lomion is my greatest ally, or would be.

**Eol's ghost** : But not great enough that you'll release him from my curse, in spite of having the power to do so.

**Melian** : Actually, his power to cast and remove curses doesn't exist. His 'curse' is merely a contrived coincidence, brought about dubious decisions of individuals concerned.

**Hurin/Turin** : Are you calling my decisions dubious?!

**Melian** : You really don't want me to answer that question.

-x-

**Narrator** : When Turin was old enough to take up arms, he asked Thingol for weapons, which he was given, and left to join border guards. He fought Orcs with them, and he befriended Beleg. But one day, he returned to Doriath in order to rest for awhile and upgrade his weaponry.

 **Saeros** : Are there any news from the border?

**Turin** : ....... 

**Saeros** : Oh, a silent type, are we? Well, yo momma was so ugly that even Morgoth himself ran away from her!

**Mablung** : Saeros, don't.

**Morgoth** : Aw yis. Go ahead, Saeros. All the cool kids do it. This is like watching a teen drama, only with a lot more dying. Also, I don't run from anybody.


	15. Interlude: Important announcement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fate of the remainder of CoH part of the story

**Narrator** : Dear readers, Lei here, together with my assistants. Say hello to Maedhros, Lomion and Urwen!

**Maedhros** : Hi. We, in our infinite wisdom, have decided that the rest of this particular tale is too heart-wrenching for any humor to be gleaned from it.

**Maeglin** : Yea, not even the curse placed upon me can measure up to the one placed upon them, and all the fucked up stuff which happened to them as a result.

**Urwen** : As the only one who successfully escaped the curse which befell my siblings, I can attest to the veracity of said claims.

**Narrator** : To appease you, we will give to you the Death-O-Meter. Let's see.....Gwindor, Finduilas, Beleg, Forweg, Androg, Khim, Orodreth, Brandir, Nienor, Turin. That's a total of ten deaths, according to Death-O-Meter.

**Urwen** : Thirteen if you count Dorlas, Hunthor and I, and fourteen if you count Glaurung.

**Narrator** : Bad guys don't count. This includes Saeros. Thirteen is the final number.

**Maeglin** : Hold on. If bad guys aren't included, then Forweg shouldn't count either. And if we add Hurin and Morwen, that makes the total number fourteen.

**Narrator** : You and your attention to details......All right, fourteen it is. Does anybody else have any further concerns.....? None? Very well then, the final count is fourteen deaths in total.


	16. The Messenger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Covers chapter 23 of Silmarillion.

**Tuor** : Finally, we're here.

**Elemmakil** : The King awaits just beyond this door.

**Tuor** : Neat.

**Ecthelion** : I think you'd fit right in.

**Tuor** : I hope so.

**Elemmakil** : Here we are.

**Turgon** : Welcome to Gondolin.

**Tuor** : Spiffy. 

**Narrator** : And Tuor gave the message to Turgon, and Turgon listened, and a council was called.

**Idril** : A moment of your time, Tuor, son of Huor?

**Tuor** : Certainly, my Lady. But who is that chap over there glaring at us?

**Idril** : He is not glaring at us, he is glaring at you. He is love with me, and believes that you are encroaching on his rights by talking to me.

**Tuor** : That's silly.

**Idril** : He is my first cousin, and he haunts my dreams.

**Tuor** : Do you want me to kill him?

**Idril** : Not now. But I do want you to avoid him. It's for your own good.

**Tuor** : Understood.


	17. The Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The confrontation

**Idril** : Maeglin, what are you doing here?

**Maeglin** : I am picking raspberries for dinner. The harvest will be good this year.

**Idril** : Quit your nonsensical ramblings. The city is burning.

**Maeglin** : And I fell into the burning ring of fire, and I went down, down, down, and the flames went higher.....

**Idril** : ......

**Maeglin** : .......

**Idril** : No, seriously, what are you doing here?

**Maeglin** : I am here to stab a small child. The lessons Morgoth gave me are paying off.

**Idril** : Well, I didn't see that one coming......Oh wait, I did.

**Tuor** : Looks like I came just in time.

**Maeglin** : You, why aren't you dead? I told Salgant to kill you.

**Tuor** : Look upon the field where I grow all my fucks on, and thou shalt see that it is barren.

**Maeglin** : I'll kill you!

**Tuor** : Wanna go bungee jumping, without a bungee?

**Maeglin** : What do you m....?

**Tuor** : And that's what we call a free-fall. Now, where were we?


End file.
